»Too many feelings
Friday, 27 April 2012
Sorry if I offend anybody in this post but this is gonna be one of those long strings of text where I'll be jumping around random topics. I just need to vent, okay?
Firstly, you know damn well I like him. Yet you keep hogging him when I'm in the middle of a conversation with him. I'll admit, I'm a jealous person. But please, let me talk to him peacefully? I only have so much time left, you of all people should know.
Secondly, I don't know why (actually I very much do, but I can't be bothered to elaborate on something nobody's gonna read) but I get pretty badly affected when I'm ignored. Maybe it's because I'm an only child who grew up not even seeing that much of my own mother or maybe it's because I've had shitty friends pretty much all my life.
Basically, yes, you damn well better pay attention to me if you want me to respond. I'm so bloody sick of constantly being the person who has to start conversations.
I'm bloody sick of feeling like an asshole who has to fill up the gaps of silences.
I hate not letting myself take offence because I know better.
I hate it when you end up meaning the world to me and I'm just another one of god knows how many people that you know.
Sometimes I wish I were childish enough to just storm into class bawling my eyes out because my brain won't stop telling me what a completely useless fuck-up I am. But I can't do that, can I? Because crying means the voices are right. It means I'm weak.
And I can't be weak, gotta uphold the image, y'know? Gotta be that girl at the side of the class who's trying so hard to be liked but nobody could give two fucks about unless they want someone to rant to, and I'm not even that good at that either.
I'm never the best at keeping secrets, or telling jokes, or being interesting. Sure, maybe I'm pretty. So what? Doesn't mean shit, statistically speaking. Doesn't even mean I'm even all that more likely to find a partner. Just one more thing to lose.
I blank out when I'm ignored because it hurts. If you've ever seen me walking silently up to class or refusing to answer verbally, you've got your reason right here. I hate myself for not being interesting enough to listen to and for being selfish enough to want that in the first place.
So much easier to be silent than to reply.
Coward, attention-seeking, liar, melodramatic.
Take one, take em all.
words spilled @ Friday, April 27, 2012 / leave goosebumps here ⋄
»And thus the insomnia struck again
Thursday, 26 April 2012
'Tick tock,' spoke the clock, messenger for the god of dreams.
Sigh, I have no idea why I've been waking up at odd times again. Basically, this is gonna keep happening until I get everything off my mind. Oh god, I don't even know how to describe what is going on at the moment. So I'll just overload with GIFs.
Monday, after talking to Liu Qi
Wednesday, while my letter was being read
words spilled @ Thursday, April 26, 2012 / leave goosebumps here ⋄
»The downfall of black eyes
Sunday, 22 April 2012
I've always found it kind of sad that Asians always have dark brown/ black eyes. Makes it really hard to see antything.
Ah well, I told Wei Yee I'd do a blog update, So I'm doing one now. So, today was supposed to be my TKD grading test and I started spotting yesterday. The uniform is all white. So, praying to every possible god I knew of (you'd be surprised) I went to sleep last night and hoped I was wrong.
I woke up with a japanese flag...
...On my pad. You didn't think I was stupid enough to sleep with nothing, right? I basically flipped out and started imagining how many different ways the test could go wrong.
/kick/ *ripping sound and something plops on the floor*
Judge dude : HOLY OH MY GOD YOU'RE BLEEDING. DID YOU BREAK SOMETHING?ASDFGHJKL;'
Then I went to tuition and stuff and rushed off to my dojo.
Only to realise that the test is next week.
In short, my instructor probably thinks I'm some sort of moron now. I think I'm some sort of moron now. So yes, that concludes my failpost of the day.
words spilled @ Sunday, April 22, 2012 / leave goosebumps here ⋄
»Random spike in views o.o (and the Rebellion)
Thursday, 19 April 2012
And by spike, I mean I got more than 10.
Anyway, updates, yes?
So, our dearest PE rep (you know who the hell you are, sweetie) was being a bitch yesterday during physical training. Since Mrs Liu was off doing NAPFA retests for the people who didn't pass, we had to do workout on our own. Firstly, Mrs Liu already said that since all of us already passed the 2.4, it was fine if we took it slow when we were running ten rounds.
So for the first time in a long while, everyone ran together. Well, we brisk-walked about 4 rounds. And that didn't please our dearest PE rep. So after the whole class came in, she sat on the steps looking all pissy and told us that since we were "strolling" we had to do extra physical exercise. Fine, maybe that might've irritated a few of us but nothing to complain about, right? If you don't get that was sarcasm,
I don't entertain idiots.
So she comes up with this absolutely ridiculous punishment, which is whatever number of reps for the physical activity she told us to do times whichever amount of rounds we didn't run. So, 20 pushups becomes 80, 30 situps becomes 120 and 1 minute plank becomes 4 minutes.
Seriously? Are you like, retarded? Did your mother drop you as a child? Oh wait, she probably did. Certainly explains your face. So obviously, no one is willing to do that much of an increase in workout, so we got pissed and argue back. Because :
- Bitch, you ain't got the goddamn authority. You are not a PE teacher. You are here as a STAND-IN, not an actual teacher.
- There is nothing wrong with brisk-walking in between while running. I mean, dude, even YOU walked a few times. Why don't you do extra workout as well? If it was just one person who did 4 rounds slow, would you punish them? No? THEN DON'T BLOODY PUNISH THE REST OF THE CLASS, FUCKTARD.
- Does it ever occur to you, that maybe we hate running? Not everyone is so high on endorphins when they run and 'play with their leg muscles' under their blanket, asshole. At least we bothered trying to run the last 5 rounds.
So after telling this to her, she insists on doing it her retarded way. In light of her having a rock instead of brain, we discussed among ourselves and decided, "You know what? She can go fuck herself. If she wants us to run so badly, FINE, we'll run the whole goddamn thing again."
Thus, the whole class ran out of the hall, leaving her speechless while we cheered something about 'Viva la Revolution!" outside.
When we finish, she's sitting on the hall steps throwing a tantrum and refusing to say anything. She just sat there with a black face while we huddled in a group and thought of inventive new ways to insult her.
I'll update with what happened the next day another time, I'm really tired and I want to sleep.
words spilled @ Thursday, April 19, 2012 / leave goosebumps here ⋄
»I hate myself for doing this.
Wednesday, 18 April 2012
Anyway, Wei Yee didn't come today. So I ended up sitting with Fluffles during chinese. Then zh came over and started chiding me. Ugh, I hate when she does that, since I actually see that she has a point. I can't get angry at her.
Had consultation with Mr Lim, yea.
This is a crap post but at least it's something.
words spilled @ Wednesday, April 18, 2012 / leave goosebumps here ⋄
»I hate make up.
Friday, 13 April 2012
There. I get irked when people say I'm wearing make up by virtue of the fact that I hate that bloody substance so much.
Last minute I got an email saying Mrs Rupa wants us to wear stockings and powder. What the shit? And the best part? She didn't even send the bloody email. Somebody else had to send it for her. Way to be responsible, yo.
My skin is dying as it is, I don't need powder clogging my pores and making it all bumpy. Worse still, I caught a bloody cold today. Feeling like crap and there may be a chance that my voice will crack tomorrow. Great.
Yea, whatever, gotta go to sleep because guess what? Emcees have to turn up at 7am. Even the goddamn councillors doing reception don't need to turn up that early. What in the 13 levels of hell could they possibly want with us that early in the morning? What kind of unholy donkey butthole would do this? Oh right, Mrs Rupa and co.
I DEMAND SLEEP, ASSHATS
words spilled @ Friday, April 13, 2012 / leave goosebumps here ⋄
Wednesday, 11 April 2012
I almost broke down during art today but that's okay
I actually did break down yesterday in math, but that's okay too.
Mr Chan was being an asshole and I'm very sure the high blood pressure probably isn't good for my health, but that's okay too.
Because I finally got to see Fluffles for two hours today. (Don't worry, I'll touch on everything else later)
Fluffles came back today. At least, for a short period of time. It was like a breath of fresh air after wandering around sewage pipes all day. Actually, you know what? Scratch that shit about sewage. It was like I was finally breathing after being held underwater for an unbearably long time. And for almost the fourth time in the past few days, I almost cried. Again. (Apologies to people who've had to bear with me constantly whining these few days) Somehow, it seemed like everything that happened the past few days became so bloody inconsequential, just like that.
I think that maybe I'll be able to survive till Friday.
Anyway, where to start?
Let me begin this by saying that I really hope that one day he gets so fat that when he leans on a railing, it breaks and sends him plummeting to his doom from a (hopefully) really tall building.
So Wei Yee broke a window. Yea, I know, how surprising.
I was checking her hands for shards because I was worried that something might be lodged in her hand, since she was complaining it was itching. Naturally, our backs were turned away from the front. Mr Chan, being the magnificent fat bastard that he is accused us of talking and not paying attention. As a punishment (I swear, the man comes up with the most retarded and unimaginative kinds of punishments ever) we had to do a presentation of the topic he was 'teaching'.
Never once does he express any sort of concern over the fact that a student in his form class may have glass fragments in her hand in need of extraction.
We weren't exactly pleased, so we give him a crap presentation with barely concealed jabs at what a shitty teacher he is ( "We have foreign talent in Singapore because sometimes our current pool of ...talent is extremely underqualified. Like teachers for instance! *glare*)
He eventually gets that we're insulting him *le gasps* and send us out of class so that we can redo our presentation to something better.
We come up with like, 10 new ways to insult him.
We only get to use 1. We came up with some crap about "Coney" amassing a child army in China. He sends us out of the class again.
Oh yes, the math breakdown. Turns out, we are hopelessly under prepared for MYEs. We were given 40 minutes to complete 5 MYE level math questions and most of the class only got to question 2.
Not finished, mind you. Halfway through.
I got a teensy, tiny bit upset. And by teeny tiny, I mean I started crying out of frustration. I'm in sec 2, dear lord, I have no right to cry under pressure. But my thoughts were just bouncing around in a giant 'Mindy's a complete failure!' conga line. It went something like this, "Wow, you can't even solve this? Seriously? What happened to GEP? Oh, right. You failed that too. You're a bloody retard, you know that?"
So round and round it went for half an hour while I tried to shut that out and remember my math concepts, which I totally blanked out on, by the way. When Mr Lim announced that there was 3 minutes left and I saw 3 half finished questions on my paper, I lost it.
I pretended to take a nap and cried until the end of the paper. As usual, I don't think anyone noticed. Besides Wei Yee, of course. Since I dripped onto her paper. And maybe Mr Lim, since he was looking pretty concerned. Yeap. It was a great day.
Then Art. Firstly, you've got to know something. I haven't gotten actual sleep for quite a few days now. I sleep at like 11, then wake up anywhere from 2-3am and am unable to go back to sleep. So I'm kinda moody. My group had already finished Art, so I figured there wasn't anything left to do. We finished Art because Mr Seet originally refused us any extension despite the fact that two of my groupmates (Fluffles, Bel) out of a group of four had to go for canoeing for a week and we couldn't meet up. Leaving us with half the time to do our work. To be more exact, leaving us with Good Friday to do our work. We sacrificed, literally, any sort of revision or relaxation that day just so we could do that stupid bloody project of his. Noon till 9pm, believe it or not. We were on task, we only had two half hour breaks the whole time.
So I think that hey, maybe I can get some much needed shut-eye during Mr Seet's class, right?
In case you're one of the dumber readers and still don't get the trend of this post, the answer was no. He woke me up and demanded I find Tisha and touch up on my work. Thing is, I had not a donkey's fart as to where the heck she was and I told him that. His response? "I don't care, you go find her and touch up."
Do you understand English, dude? Or do you think that like your Art, it has to bend and suit your standards? I.DO. NOT. KNOW. WHERE. THE. FUCK. SHE. IS.
Do you want me to search the whole school? Is that what you expect? I have an injured bloody foot, you cretin. Nonetheless, I end up walking around the FITT run route looking for her. And when I come back to class decidedly Tisha-less, Tisha is right there. Turns out, she was just at the bathroom. Yay.
I get even more pissed and fume next to Christine's group. Simran asks me why I'm so pissed and I tell her everything leading up to that point as best I can before my voice breaks and I almost start crying again. ( I got better)
Dear assholes I just wrote about,
P.S If you find that a shadow with a gun is following you around and you start to feel paranoid...that's not paranoia :)
words spilled @ Wednesday, April 11, 2012 / leave goosebumps here ⋄
»A little vent
Monday, 9 April 2012
No GIFs today. Haven't got the mood.
Seriously, I don't know what to say la. You want to get pissed, sure. This is why I need Fluffles. I need a bloody break from shit like this. I'm sorry for the napfa thing, okay? But if you want to stay mad at me for so long over something like this, then I don't know what you want me to do. Sometimes it's just like...
Yea yea, be the better person. Fuck off. I need to be angry for a while.
Because I'd like to put aside my inhibitions and start throwing curse words but I can't. I wish I could be a bit less controlled so I can vent before I explode. But I still have to apologise in the end, don't I?
So sorry. I'm so goddamn sorry in so many ways but mostly, I'm sorry to myself that I pissed you off and now I have to eat what is perhaps my 100th serving of humble pie this year.
words spilled @ Monday, April 09, 2012 / leave goosebumps here ⋄
Sunday, 8 April 2012
was rather normal. I notice my mom's been in an awfully good mood lately. She's been a lot less moody. Anyway, it's Sunday and the long weekend is coming to an end. Back to sleeping ridiculously short hours and going to school and being all stoned and screwed.
words spilled @ Sunday, April 08, 2012 / leave goosebumps here ⋄
Sunday, 1 April 2012
...that I'll use more GIFs in my blog posts now. At least they won't just be rotting away in my hard drive. Anyway, GIF OF THE DAY!
It's the most beautiful middle finger I've ever seen :').
Anyway, today was pretty good, as Sundays go. The only thing that could make it better is if I had some chocolate ice cream. Pretty excited for BYD, I can finally wear the clothes my mom's been bugging me about. So, how about a little backtracking?
Yeap, school went on as per normal, except for the fact that Ms Zhang kept freaking bugging me about work. Really wish I could get exempted from Chinese. Then during dance practice, Sam told me that apparently, Shayna said I was a terrible dancer.
Now, not gonna deny it. I have the fine motor skills of a monkey on crack. But bitch, you can't do much better -.- And do you know how many times I actually got to practice for the few times that you actually saw me dance? You really wanna know?
You think it's easy? When everyone else was practicing, I was bloody painting the wall. Which, coincidentally, I kinda wanna smash your face into now. I already bloody know that my dancing was nowhere up to par with everyone else, do you really feel a need to go around telling people?
Whatever, you dance like you don't have a skeleton anyway.
Went out with Hui Xuan to Bugis. Ended up eating Frolick and blowing money at the arcade before actually going shopping. Went the Bugis Street Market and wandered around until we entered this cosmetic store. Then some random woman started trying to sell us this weird lip thing. Apparently it's some sort of magic moisturiser that made your lips all pink naturally. I might've gotten it if not for the fact that it was 30 bucks. 30 BUCKS.
So after uncomfortably getting her off our tail, we went to go find BYD outfits. Hui Xuan got this blue, frilly dress and I got a black lace one. All I'm concerned about now is whether it might be too risky for school, since it's sort of semi-see through netting till you get to the chest area and below, where there's another layer of cloth underneath. Guess I'll wear it to school tomorrow and ask for other people's opinion. If they think it's too revealing, I'll just wear my original outfit.
words spilled @ Sunday, April 01, 2012 / leave goosebumps here ⋄