I have a wonderfully low self esteem. My mom's mentioned it to me many times that the way I act isn't exactly indicative of self confidence.
I can't take criticism or mistakes well, if at all. I guess it's the reason why sometimes I end up not attempting things at all.
I loathe imperfection. So whenever I make a mistake, the memories of it are usually painful for me. Yeap, you read that right, it's actually painful. Sometimes, I just get flashes of times when I screwed up really badly in the middle of the day. If you've ever seen me cringing or my expression turn pained for absolutely no reason out of nowhere, it's probably because I'm having a bout of 'hey, let's reminisce about Mindy's biggest fuck-ups!'
It's weird, because the only way I can explain it is that I cringe as a way of rejecting the memory. My brain is all like 'Nope, memory rejected, this shit never happened, nuh-uh...'
It works as a short term solution. But the next time it hits, it's that much worse. I figure the only real way to solve his is to accept my mistakes. And it's not easy. You know that sour, twisting feeling you get when you wanna cry really badly but you have to hold it back? It's something like that.
But it has to be done. And I will do it.
By extension, I also want to start trying more things, even if I know chances are I'll fail epicly and spectacularly.
That will be my first New Year's resolution. I will try to make and accept my mistakes and flaws.

You might have heard her name before. She's the girl in Avatar who dies in that epic fight against the humans while piloting a helicopter, saying something along the lines of 'come at me, motherfucker' before kamikazeing the shit out of the enemies. She also played the tough military chick in Battle: Los Angeles who ended up dying in a blaze of glory. Another notable role she played was in the Fast and furious series, where she played yet another tough chick who inevitably died being tough.
The characters she plays generally don't take shit from anyone and usually don't survive the movie is the point i'm trying to make. She's admitted it herself that it was a typecast of sorts.
But it was what she said in addition to that admission that struck me, ' If I decided I didn't want to be typecast tomorrow I'd just go do an indie film where i play some poor girl who goes through some excruciating experience and win an award for crying or being raped (breaks into laughter) or playing someone with a mental illness. But at the end of the day I'm not in it for the acting. If I were in it for the acting I would worry about people not giving me the opportunity to express my wide array of emotions. I could give two shits. I only wanna be someone I respect or someone I would consider interesting or fun. I'm here to entertain people and make a statement about female empowerment and strength and that's what I've done for the last 10 years, and people can call it typecast, but I pigeonholed myself and I put myself in that box for saying no to everything else that came on my plate. Sayig no to the girlfriend, saying no to the girl who gets captured, no to this, no to that, and eventually, I get left with the tough chick that always being killed and there's nothing wrong with that.'
I respect her for saying that so freaking much. That is all.

Rant

This one took me a while because I spent quite a while wondering whether I would regret saying it.
I won't.

I'm talking to one person here. You're the only one who can choose who you are, how the rest if your life plays out. If you want to continue having half-assed relationships with random guys and sext them and whatnot, so be it.
If you think that shit constitutes a normal relationship, if you think that holding onto somebody's deepest personal secrets somehow makes you closer friends than people whose secrets you don't have, if you think that just because you have a laundry list of ex-boyfriends you are somehow better than people who don't, you're sadly mistaken.
Do you know what everyone thinks of you? Oh wait, I seem to recall you don't care what the fake-ass bitches in your class think, right? Awesome. Then I can be a lot more blunt.
Your dance-mates apparently think you're controlling and bossy, courtesy of TL, who I don't really blame because you weren't entirely likable in the first place.
Judging from various things I was able to pick up, apparently your rep in nanyang wasn't very good either. From what I've heard, when NY people hear your name, they either cringe or have a reaction somewhere along the lines of 'oh, HER.'
My mother, after the incident at East Coast Park ( remember that one? The one where you biked off into the horizon while we {me, kelly, mom} were calling you to slow down while you sped off so damn far ahead we couldn't even see any trace of you at top speed and we ended calling you at least 3 times and it took 20 minutes for you to come back. Remember that one?) thinks that I shouldn't hang out around you that much and that you're a terrible influence. I actually tried to persuade my mom that you weren't as bad as you seemed. Famous last words as I'll explain later.
When some of the clique were bitching about you, I actually tried to show them that you weren't that bad ( didn't you find it odd that I was constantly asking you out with me along with with a singular clique member? Hrmmm...) when you had entirely no friends in the class to speak of, I dragged you down recess by recess to sit with me and the clique because I didn't want to leave you alone during recess.
When you insulted my appearances, I bit my lip and tried not to hurt your feelings with insults a crap load worse.
When you told me about the things you do when nobody's watching, I tried my best not to judge and accept that as who you were.
Everytime you pissed me off in an sms convo, I would write a long goddamn sms that rattled off every terrible thing I could pull from my head to you but I never sent it because I believed that you would get it eventually or that you were just sleep deprived or something.
When you joined me and kelly before spectrum, I decided to just go along with it even though I hadn't seen my own goddamn best friend in at least 2 months due to exams and I wanted to catch up with her alone. I even brushed off the random remark about masturbation you made when me and kelly were talking while we walked to school.
But my god, if you think that after all that motherfucking bullshit you put me through that you could guilt me into feeling bad for spectrum? I have three words for you.
BITCH, FUCK YOU. Not literally, of course, goodness knows what horrid STD I might get.
I can't describe how furious I was when I saw what you wrote.
You know what sent me over the edge though? The bottler thing.
I'm sorry, but the vibe I was getting from the whole thing was 'dear me, I'm such a wonderful person, never showing my true emotions but inside I'm just wracked with turmoil. Don't you feel bad for judging me to be fake now?'
No. No, I really don't. You disgust me.
I think you're the closest thing to a slut that I know of. I think that you have unwarranted self importance. I think you need to take a good, hard, goddamn stare in the mirror.
As I recall you commenting about Mandy when Kelly was wondering how she got so many boyfriends, 'It's because she's obtainable.'
Wow, hypocrite of the goddamn year. I wonder how pissed she'll be if I gave her a link to this post and she found out... Darn, you might lose the only person in class who could tolerate you to some degree. But because I'm such a nice goddamn person, I won't.
I'm sorry if I have to break this to you, sweetheart, but you aren't exactly very hard to obtain yourself.
When I gripe about no guys liking me, of course I know that it's because I'm so snippy with them. Unlike a certain someone, I have self aware-ness.
And no, I don't want a souvenir.
When we see each other in school, I'll smile and say hi, I might even be friendly towards you. I'll even help back you up in pummeling the teachers with questions.
But under no circumstance think that I actually care about what happens to you. I have no more patience left for you.

:)

Name:If you know it, you know it.
Age:Pfft, age is just a number
Birth: -day cake!
Adores::D
That basically described nothing! Isn't this fun?

I might write something here one day. Might