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ยปToo many feelings
Friday, 27 April 2012

Sorry if I offend anybody in this post but this is gonna be one of those long strings of text where I'll be jumping around random topics. I just need to vent, okay?
Firstly, you know damn well I like him. Yet you keep hogging him when I'm in the middle of a conversation with him. I'll admit, I'm a jealous person. But please, let me talk to him peacefully? I only have so much time left, you of all people should know.
Secondly, I don't know why (actually I very much do, but I can't be bothered to elaborate on something nobody's gonna read) but I get pretty badly affected when I'm ignored. Maybe it's because I'm an only child who grew up not even seeing that much of my own mother or maybe it's because I've had shitty friends pretty much all my life.
Basically, yes, you damn well better pay attention to me if you want me to respond. I'm so bloody sick of constantly being the person who has to start conversations.
I'm bloody sick of feeling like an asshole who has to fill up the gaps of silences.
I hate not letting myself take offence because I know better.
I hate it when you end up meaning the world to me and I'm just another one of god knows how many people that you know.
Sometimes I wish I were childish enough to just storm into class bawling my eyes out because my brain won't stop telling me what a completely useless fuck-up I am. But I can't do that, can I? Because crying means the voices are right. It means I'm weak.
And I can't be weak, gotta uphold the image, y'know? Gotta be that girl at the side of the class who's trying so hard to be liked but nobody could give two fucks about unless they want someone to rant to, and I'm not even that good at that either.
I'm never the best at keeping secrets, or telling jokes, or being interesting. Sure, maybe I'm pretty. So what? Doesn't mean shit, statistically speaking. Doesn't even mean I'm even all that more likely to find a partner. Just one more thing to lose.
I blank out when I'm ignored because it hurts. If you've ever seen me walking silently up to class or refusing to answer verbally, you've got your reason right here. I hate myself for not being interesting enough to listen to and for being selfish enough to want that in the first place.
So much easier to be silent than to reply.
Coward, attention-seeking, liar, melodramatic.
Take one, take em all.

words spilled @ Friday, April 27, 2012 / leave goosebumps here