»New Year‘s Resolution part 1
Sunday, 25 December 2011
I have a wonderfully low self esteem. My mom's mentioned it to me many times that the way I act isn't exactly indicative of self confidence.
I can't take criticism or mistakes well, if at all. I guess it's the reason why sometimes I end up not attempting things at all.
I loathe imperfection. So whenever I make a mistake, the memories of it are usually painful for me. Yeap, you read that right, it's actually painful. Sometimes, I just get flashes of times when I screwed up really badly in the middle of the day. If you've ever seen me cringing or my expression turn pained for absolutely no reason out of nowhere, it's probably because I'm having a bout of 'hey, let's reminisce about Mindy's biggest fuck-ups!'
It's weird, because the only way I can explain it is that I cringe as a way of rejecting the memory. My brain is all like 'Nope, memory rejected, this shit never happened, nuh-uh...'
It works as a short term solution. But the next time it hits, it's that much worse. I figure the only real way to solve his is to accept my mistakes. And it's not easy. You know that sour, twisting feeling you get when you wanna cry really badly but you have to hold it back? It's something like that.
But it has to be done. And I will do it.
By extension, I also want to start trying more things, even if I know chances are I'll fail epicly and spectacularly.
That will be my first New Year's resolution. I will try to make and accept my mistakes and flaws.
words spilled @ Sunday, December 25, 2011 / leave goosebumps here ⋄