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Monday, 5 September 2011

So nothing has changed. cool. no, seriously. Apologies are a dime dozen :/  Type the word 'cookies' in the tagboard if you see this :)
Durian durian, I lub you <3 I freaking love durian and my mom decided to let me have some *heaven*. But wow, now I feel like a douche towards Mandy. I can't really say I've been scarred by my parents divorcing because frankly, if they hadn't, I would probably go crazy by now.
My dad really REALLY pisses me off sometimes, today I was on the MRT when he called and because I was in a good mood, I picked it up. Wrong choice. He was drunk, so he was slurring all his words and I got more than a little annoyed at that. Then when I asked him to speak louder and more clearly, he started shouting. I mean fuck, I was in a good mood and now you have to ruin it, really?
It's not my fucking fault that you have a crappy line and an unnatural love for the bottle. And the way he was talking too, like he was trying to pick a fight with me. Piss off, you sad sack, my math skills surpassed yours at P3 _l_, don't talk to me like I'm a retard. You don't even have your own bloody house and to this day I still have no idea what the hell you do for a living (not that you can call what you're doing living).
I just get so uncontrollably angry whenever I think about him. He actually dared to accuse my mom of brainwashing me to hate him. Uh, hello? Brainwashing is so not needed, in fact my mom actually tries to get me to respect you, you turd. It's because of her that I bother picking up when you call at all.
Again, fucking hard to respect someone who you've seen grovel on the ground in a half-conscious mess, asking whether he was in hell and then promptly pass out. Even harder when the next day he starts arguing about his rights and the police have to drag him out.
Okie dokes, so the last few paragraphs have been ranting about my dad, so time for some sunshine, no?
Yeppers, so today went grocery shopping with mom which is always great, get to stockpile all my snacks food.
Soba, pitted prunes (i have cravings), cereal, bonito flakes, shiro miso, starbucks coffee ice-cream (!!!),  yoghurt etc. Was supposed to get smoked salmon but I forgot D:
I'm actually in a terrible mood, so I'll end this post before I rant again.     White Confession: I worry about myself a lot sometimes. Sometimes I get these flashes of rage and I just want to hurt something. Very badly. Usually the only thing that holds me back is my empathy. Before you scoff, let me tell you what my kind of empathy is. I think about how I want to hurt a person, say, knife to the stomach. While I'm imagining that playing out, in another part of my mind, it deflects that injury back to me. Like how I would feel if I got that wound and the pain. Really. That's it. That's the only thing that keeps me from actually following through on my threats to punch people. I worry for the day that I get over that entirely irrational fear.I hold back not because it would hurt for the other person, or the consequences, but because of myself . I AM a selfish turd


words spilled @ Monday, September 05, 2011 / leave goosebumps here